• Understanding your stage of change is important before taking any sort of action because self knowledge is key toward change.

• Change also requires less energy when we know our own stage of change. Pressuring ourselves or forcing ourselves to heal and change rarely leads to long term, sustainable changes.

• If you don’t want to change, then you don’t necessarily need to. No on can force you.

• Ambivalence is uncertainty about change.

  • A part of you wants to change.

  • A part of you doesn’t want to change.

  • A part of you is scared to change.

  • A part of you is anxious to change.

  • A part of you is nervous to change.

• Change is scary because it involves the unknown, giving up what we’re used to, replacing what we are used to, doing less of what we are used to, etc.

• Ambivalence about change is normal. We are all ambivalent about something during some point in our lives.

• Resistance to change is an expression of ambivalence about change, not a defining trait or characteristic about you.

• It’s the therapist’s job (if you are in treatment), to help you resolve your ambivalence about change.

• It’s your job to be honest with yourself about where you are on your stage of change instead of lying to yourself, avoiding the truth, fantasizing about what could be, pressuring yourself to heal quickly as possible, etc.

• Even in therapy, it is estimated that clients and factors outside of the therapy account for about 40% of the change that takes place (Assay & Lambert, 1999).

  • The client change factors include the client’s level of motivation, perceptions of the therapy, commitment to the therapy framework, and integration of concepts into everyday life (Bohart & Wade, 2013).

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Print out the stages of change model and worksheets and fill it out

• Print it out and re-read it every so often so you don’t forget and keep it top of mind

• Re-print this worksheet every so often and fill it out again to see if you’ve changed where you are on the stage of change

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• Do you think you have an attachment issue or struggle with insecure attachment tendencies?

• Are you willing to make a commitment to interrupt insecure attachment tendencies in the next month?

• Do you know what steps to take to interrupt insecure attachment tendencies?

• Have you told others (family, friends, etc.) about your desire to interrupt insecure attachment tendencies?

• Do you need to change people, places, or things to help you work toward a secure attachment?

• Do you need to address new ways of dealing with upsetting feelings?

• Are you willing to participate in a mutual support program or other form of social support?

• Do you know your personal high- risk factors that make you feel vulnerable to using sabotaging and acting out and have strategies to cope with these?

• Is your life generally in balance?

RESOURCES

• Stages of Change (Motivational Interviewing)

• Transition To Change

• Change Plan Worksheets

REFERENCES

• Asay, T.P., & Lambert, M.J. (1999). The empirical case for the common factors in therapy: Quantitative findings.

  Bohart. A. C., & Wade, A. G. (2013). The Client in Psychotherapy. In M. J. Lambert (Ed.), Bergin and Garfield’s Handbook of Psychotherapy and Behavior Change (6th ed., pp. 219-257). Hoboken, New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Education

1. The action or process of educating or of being educated also : a stage of such a process

2. The knowledge and development resulting from the process of being educated

—

Education and understanding the effects of insecure attachment is crucial because it can lead to more accurate beliefs and knowledge, and thus to better lifestyle choices, but also to better skills and greater self-advocacy.

Insecure attachment refers to experiences that occur during childhood.

An individual relationship can be insecure when it contains elements of mistrust together with anxious or avoidant elements and lacks a secure base. It is considered a dysfunctional relationship.

These early childhood experiences can have significant and long-lasting effects on a person's physical, emotional, psychological well-being as well as their development and overall functioning.

Research has shown that insecure attachment can lead to a wide range of physical and mental health problems, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), substance abuse, self-harm, and relationship difficulties. It can also affect cognitive development, academic performance, and social skills.

EXAMPLES OF INSECURE ATTACHMENT

• Intense fear of vulnerability

• Intense fear of intimacy

• Intense fear of rejection, abandonment

• Intense fear of conflict, disagreements, fights, tension

• Desire for other to read their mind versus asserting their wants/needs and making requests directly

• Consistent need for reassurance, validation

• Consistent focus on others and external things such as work, objects, rewards, money, appearance, etc.

• Lower sense of Self lower Self esteem, lower Self worth, Self confidence, Self love, Self compassion, Self acceptance

• Consistent avoidance, distraction, blanking out, and numbing behaviors/strategies when overwhelmed such as dissociation, overworking, exceesive working out/exercising, bnging food, restriction of food, purging, alcohol, substance use, shopping, pornography, etc.

• Suppression and internalization of your own emotions

• Difficulty naming, accessing, and feeling your emotions

• Feeling emotions intensely and feeling overhwlemd without adequate skills/tools to manage emotions

• Consistent criticizing, blaming, judging, demanding others

• Consistent criticizing, blaming, judging, demanding of yourself

• Shame spiraling (“I am broken” or “I am flawed” or “I am inadequate”)

• Intense feelings of guilt (“I am bad”)

• Self sabotage

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Read a short article summarizing what attachment theory is

• Read a short article summarizing what seaure attachment is

• Read a short article summarizing what insecure attachment theory is and its impacts on human development

• Listen to podcasts, watch videos, read books on adult attachment styles

RESOURCES

• Attachment Styles & Questionnaire

• Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships

• A Brief Overview of Adult Attachment Theory and Research

• A Secure Base for Adult Learning: Attachment Theory and Adult Education

• History of attachment theory

BOOKS

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

• The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Diane Poole Heller

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

• Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

• What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal

• Fierce Intimacy: Standing Up to One Another with Love

VIDEOS

• Avoidant Attachment

• Secure Attachment

• Ambivalent Attachment

• Using Attachment for Healing

• Attachment States of Mind

• The Nurturance of Being Known

REFERENCES

• "education” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

Understanding

1. A mental grasp : COMPREHENSION

2. The power of comprehending. especially : the capacity to apprehend general relations of particulars

3. The power to make experience intelligible by applying concepts and categories

4. A mutual agreement not formally entered into but in some degree binding on each side

Boundaries

• a psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.

• in psychotherapy, an important limit that is usually set by the therapist as part of the ground rules in treatment. Boundaries may involve areas of discussion (e.g., the therapist’s personal life is off limits) or physical limits (e.g., rules about touching), which are guided by ethical codes and standards. Respect for boundaries by both the therapist and client is an important concept in the therapeutic relationship.

—

We all come from families of some sort, whether biological or adopted.

We are also informed by our culture and larger society.

This can include, but is not limited to: class, gender, race, ethnicity, migration, sexuality, ability status, faith, religion, and more.

Understanding the families and culture we come from gives us understanding and insight into why we are the we are, in particular our personal boundaries.

Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.

A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about your own family system (roles, rituals, beliefs, patterns, norms)

• Learn about different types of boundaries and which one you most identify with

• Learn how to work toward assertive communication and healthier boundaries

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF FOR YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN/ADOPTED FAMILY

• How are problems and disagreements addressed in your family? Are they?

• Who usually brings up problems first?

• Who is the most outwardly stressed person in your family?Who is the most inwardly stressed person?

• Is there a mediator in your family?

• What role do you inhabit in your family?

• What would happen if you stopped or engaged less in your family role?

• How is love and care shown in your family?

• Do you feel able to ask for help from your family members?

• Are there topics in your family that are not discussed openly?

• How are differences handled in your family? This could be differences in beliefs, religion, faith, sexuality, gender, and so forth.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF FOR YOUR BOUNDARIES

• Do I ask for what I need and want? If not, why not?

• How am I comfortable being touched by others? Who am I comfortable being touched by?

• Can I say no without feeling intense guilt?

• Do I expect other people to read my mind?

• Do I accommodate other people to avoid conflict, feelings of guilt, and/or for them to like me?

• What are the biggest things that stop you from setting and holding boundaries?

• What takes priority when I am dividing up my free time?

• Can I be myself when I’m with my friends? My family? My partner? My co-workers?

• Do I feel good about myself when I’m with my friends? My family? My partner? My co-workers?

RESOURCES

• Learn about Bowen Theory

• Dysfunctional Family Roles

• Letters from Esther #46: The Power of Chosen Family

• Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family

• Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships

• Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

• Nedra Glover Tawwab

• Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship

Attachment

1. A strong emotional bond that an infant forms with a caregiver (such as a mother) especially when viewed as a basis for normal emotional and social development

   Of course, the mother provides food and warmth, but for the purposes of attachment what really matters is the sense of safety, comfort, and refuge the mother provides.

   —Henry Gleitman et al

2. Also : the process by which an infant forms such an emotional bond

   Healthy attachment, via attuned parenting, equips human beings for resilience, success, and emotional, psychological, and physiological well-being.

   —Lindsey Porter

—

Attachment is the relationship style/framework we form during our childhood based on how we grew up and who raised us (caregivers or parents).

Attachment style is how we feel and behave in relationships. It's like a pattern or a map that guides our interactions with others.

Understanding our attachment style can help us bond and connect in healthier and more satisfying ways with those we care about.

Understand your attachment styles can help you understand why you behave the way we do in you relationships, instead of feeling confused and overwhelmed.

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about adult attachment styles

• Identify your attachment style(s)

• Identify your attachment style(s) under different contexts (at home, with family, with friends, at work, with strangers)

• Identify how your attachment style(s) may have shifted in the past to the present day

• Identify what strategies/skills/tools you use when you’re under pressure/feel vulnerable/feel exposed/feel overwhelmed/etc.

• Identify what you need from yourself and others when you utilize the aforementioned strategies/skills/tools (e.g. reassurance, validation, physical space, physical touch)

RESOURCES

• Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

• Experiences in Close Relationships Scale

REFERENCES

• "attachment” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

Core beliefs are beliefs a person has about themselves, others, and the world.

Core beliefs help us to make sense of our world by organizing experiences into familiar patterns.

Core beliefs can be negative or positive, but with trauma, they are usually negative and related to the traumatic events.

A negative core belief is a broad, negative, and generalized judgement you have made about yourself, based on some previous negative experiences (childhood, past relationship, past work experience, life experiences)

Core beliefs can shift gradually with practice and effort, but become more stable and stronger over time if left unchecked.

This also requires changing our automatic reactions and patterns under stress and pressure, not just the negative core belief.

By identifying our core beliefs, we can learn how we get in our own way and limit our growth and healing.

Changing our negative core beliefs we have about ourselves contributes to a higher sense of Self.

It’s possible to have healthier, effective, realistic, and helpful beliefs about ourselves.

It’s an ongoing process and lifelong journey to continue challenge our negative core beliefs.

Read more here.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• What are the thoughts/stories/beliefs I tell myself on a daily basis?

• Are these thoughts negative? Positive? How do I feel when I have these thoughts?

• Do these daily thoughts help me or harm me? Are they effective or ineffective toward creating a life worth living for myself?

• What’s a different way of thinking about this story/belief?

• What if this thought/story/belief isn’t 100% true?

• What are your fears? What are you most scared of?

• What are your unhealed wounds? Are you aware of them?

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about the concept of core beliefs or schemas

• Identify your own core beliefs

• Write down your core beliefs on a piece of paper

• Explore ways to challenge your core beliefs

• Learn about growth mindset and fixed mindset

• Learn about internal locus of control and external locus of control

RESOURCES

• Core Beliefs and Assumptions in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: A Case Example

• Challenging Core Beliefs

• 18 Early Schemas Defined

• Early Schemas & Coping Styles

• Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

• The Influence of Growth Mindset on the Mental Health and Life Events of College Students

• Teaching: Applying a Growth Mindset to Mental Disorders

• Mindsets and adolescent mental health

• Locus of control, self-control, and health outcomes

• Exploring the impacts of perceived locus of control on post-traumatic stress disorder among disaster survivors: A systematic review

Trigger (Merriam-Webster)

1. To cause an intense and usually negative emotional reaction in (someone)

Trigger (APA)

1. A stimulus that elicits a reaction. For example, an event could be a trigger for a memory of a past experience and an accompanying state of emotional arousal.

—

A trigger is a stimulus that sets off a memory of a trauma or a specific portion of a traumatic experience.

Imagine you were trapped briefly in a car after an accident. Then, several years later, you were unable to unlatch a lock after using a restroom stall; you might have begun to feel a surge of panic reminiscent of the accident, even though there were other avenues of escape from the stall.

Some triggers can be identified and anticipated easily, but many are subtle and inconspicuous, often surprising the individual or catching him or her off guard.

In treatment, it is important to help clients identify potential triggers, draw a connection between strong emotional reactions and triggers, and develop coping strategies to manage those moments when a trigger occurs.

A trigger is any sensory reminder of the traumatic event: a noise, smell, temperature, other physical sensation, or visual scene.

Triggers can generalize to any characteristic, no matter how remote, that resembles or represents a previous trauma, such as revisiting the location where the trauma occurred, being alone, having your children reach the same age that you were when you experienced the trauma, seeing the same breed of dog that bit you, or hearing loud voices.

Triggers are often associated with the time of day, season, holiday, or anniversary of the event.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about what triggers are

• Identify your own personal triggers

• Learn skills to manage triggers

RESOURCES

• The Ekmans' Atlas of Emotions

• Micro Expressions

• Managing Your Triggers

• Exercise on Identifying Triggers

• What is Complex Trauma (page 18 - Making Things Better)

REFERENCES

• "trigger” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

• "trigger” APA Dictionary of Psychology 2024. https://dictionary.apa.org (8 May 2024)

SELF SOOTHING

Under pressure and stress, we react in a repeated and habitual pattern and engage in familiar behaviors.

This keeps us stuck in our insecure attachment style.

By learning how to self soothe, we can learn to reflect rather than react.

Self-soothing refers to any behavior we use to regulate our emotional state by ourselves.

Self-soothing behaviors are often developed in the early years of life, are repetitive/habitual in nature, and are often viewed by a child or adolescent as calming or comforting.

EMOTIONS

Emotions are very useful. For example, emotions:

• Provide information about an experience or event

• Are a form of validation

• Protect us

• Motivate us

• Prepare us for future events and experiences

• Communicate to others and influence them

Some people feel their emotions deeply and intensely finding it overwhelming without adequate skills to regulate them.

We may lack the ability to name our emotions.

For others, they may even have difficultly feeling their emotions.

Moreover, some people may also have something called alexithymia, or the inability to recognize emotions and their subtleties.

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about the role of emotions and why we have emotions

• Expand your emotional vocabulary

• Feel your feelings when they arise and come up

• Learn how to process your emotions if you’ve been avoiding or pushing them down

• Learn how to manage your feelings when they overwhelm you

RESOURCES

• The Ekmans' Atlas of Emotions

• Emotions Revealed. Paul Ekman Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life

• Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions: Exploring the Emotion Wheel

• Feelings Wheel

• DBT Emotion Regulation

• DBT RU

• Live Within Your Window of Tolerance

• Healing through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear, and Despair

Your thoughts can affect how your body feels, and how your body feels can affect your thoughts.

Insecure attachment affects our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and body.

Individuals often find themselves tense, nervous, anxious, and fearful, holding onto the remnants of the past.

The body remembers and keeps the score of what we survived.

Things you can do to become more aware and familiar with your body and nervous system includes:

• Somatic experiencing

• Yoga

• Breath work

• Guided imagery

• Progressive muscle relaxation

• Body scanning

• Qigong

• Tai chi

• Martial arts

• Kendo

• Acupuncture

• Massage/body work

• Stretching

• Mindfulness

• Meditation

• And more

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about the body including:

  • Window of Tolerance

  • Autonomic Nervous System

  • Dysregulation

  • And more

• Learn about polyvagal theory

• Learn about somatic therapy and coaching

• Expand your vocabulary with emotions and sensations

• Practice self somatic skills on yourself to facilitate the process of bodily healing and becoming more in tune with your sensations

• Seek out a somatic coach, body worker, and/or practitioner to facilitate the process of bodily healing and becoming more in tune with your sensations

RESOURCES

Forums

• Attachment healing

• Mega list of attachment and trauma healing techniques (need your input!!)

• My healing process from attachment trauma / emotional neglect

Therapy Organizations & Training

• Somatic Experiencing

• Generative Somatics

• Somatic IFS

• TRE (Tension, Stress and Trauma Release)

• Thomas Hanna Somatics

• Linda Thai Somatics

• Polyvagal Theory

Books

• The Body Keeps The Score

• Becoming Safely Embodied: A Guide to Organize Your Mind, Body and Heart to Feel Secure in the World

• When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress

• 8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery: Take-Charge Strategies to Empower Your Healing

• My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Mending of Our Bodies and Hearts

• The Practical Guide for Healing Developmental Trauma: Using the NeuroAffective Relational Model to Address Adverse Childhood Experiences and Resolve Complex Trauma

• Attachment-Based Yoga & Meditation for Trauma Recovery: Simple, Safe, and Effective Practices for Therapy

Websites

• Mapping Emotions On The Body: Love Makes Us Warm All Over

• Somatic Trauma Therapy

Things change and you change with time.

What worked for you a year ago may not work for you presently.

Re-evaluate and re-assess your goals, values, growth, and barriers every so often.

In therapy, clients receive a treatment plan and are asked for verbal and/or written feedback (called routine outcome measurement) to adjust their treatment plan.

Routine outcome measurement involves therapists giving their clients self-report scales throughout the course of treatment and using the data to ensure treatment is meeting their clients' needs.

Use of these tools has been shown to reduce dropouts and improve client outcomes.

By re-assessing and re-evalauting, you will be providing yourself feedback on your own healing journey.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

• What’s going well?

• What am I doing well?

• How have I celebrated my wins/areas of growth/healing? Have I? If not, why not?

• What’s still challenging and difficult for me?

• How am I still getting in my own way?

• How comfortable am I with my feelings and emotions on a self rated scale? How uncomfortable am I?

• How comfortable am I with asserting my personal boundaries to others without having them mind read?

• Am I making space for myself and my inner world?

• How do I talk to myself on a day to day basis?

• How do I talk to myself after a conflict or disagreement?

• How do I talk to myself after I achieve something I wanted to achieve?

• Am I practicing self compassion?

• Have my goals changed? If so, what are they?

• If my goals have changed, do I need to adjust anything in my life?

• Have my values changed? How so? What do I value now?

• Who am I reaching out to from time to time to discuss my inner world and healing work? Am I?

Compassion

1. Sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

Self Compassion

1. A construct derived from Buddhist thought and entailing a noncritical stance toward one’s inadequacies and failures. It has been suggested that if self-criticism can lead to negative emotions, self-compassion may promote well-being by protecting one from the negative emotional implications of one’s perceived failings.

—

Instead of responding to ourselves with judgement, criticism, and demand when challenge occur, we can practice self compassion.

Self-compassion involves responding to difficult thoughts and feelings with care and support so that we comfort ourselves when we’re hurting and take action to make needed changes.

Research has shown that self-compassion greatly enhances emotional well-being. It boosts happiness and reduces anxiety and depression.

Practicing self compassion leads to greater ease and well-being in our daily lives.

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Learn about the theory of self compassion

• Learn self compassion application and skills

• Practice self compassion skills as a daily practice

• Learn what are continued challenges/barriers in practicing self compassion

• Practicing compassion to others as a daily/weekly practice

RESOURCES

• Self-compassion

• Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

• Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion

REFERENCES

• "compassion” Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)

• "self compassion” APA Dictionary of Psychology 2024. https://dictionary.apa.org (8 May 2024)

We cannot do this work alone.

While self reliance may have been and still is a survival strategy for you, long term, there are effects.

We are relational creatures.

Our health depends on having and sustaining healthy, mutually satisfying relationships.

As Esther Perel states: The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

Read more here.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Create and sustain a support system. Start small with 1 person first and gradually build a relationship.

• Identify your support system

• Ask for help when you need it

• Ask for help before you need it. You don’t always have to be in crisis to need help and support.

• Learn why it’s hard/challeging for you to ask for help

• Learn why self-reliance or not asking for help is familiar and/or comfortable for you

RESOURCES

Education

• How Does Social Connectedness Affect Health?

• Social Relationships and Health: A Flashpoint for Health Policy

• Do Social Ties Affect Our Health?

Forums

• Attachment healing

• Mega list of attachment and trauma healing techniques (need your input!!)

• My healing process from attachment trauma / emotional neglect

Groups

• NAMI

• NAMI Seattle

• Coda

• Workaholics Anonymous

• Adult Children of Alcoholics®& Dysfunctional Families

• Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.) – Fellowship

Support

• 7 Cups: Free Online Therapist & Counseling

• Anxious Attachment: A Path Towards Healing

• Healing Attachment Trauma / Improve Your Relationships

Taking good care of yourself is crucial.

This means having a self-care plan that you follow and adhere to.

This also means having a daily practice/habit/routine of some sort where you engage in something daily to ground you and center you.

Having structure, consistency, and a plan helps you manage personal triggers, soothe yourself when overwhelmed, ask for help when you need it, and more.

A self care plan can include the following:

• Getting adequate, regular, and a consistent amount of sleep

• Eating regular, delicious, and nutritious foods you enjoy, fuel you, and nourish your body

• Moving your body in a way that feels good and/or exercising

• Reducing stress as much as possible

• Reducing screen time (tv, cell phone, movies, iPad, etc.)

• Having a sleep regimen

• Going outside for some sunshine everyday and/or using a SAD light

• Avoiding overly using substances such as alcohol, caffeine, and other drugs

• Attending all personal mental health and health appointments to manage and/or prevent chronic illness conditions

• Having a support system in place

• Reaching out to friends and/or family once in awhile to check in and socially connect and engage with others

• Identifying personal triggers and avoiding them as much as possible

• Practicing relaxation and self soothing skills

• Celebrating your wins and areas of growth

• And more

A daily practice can include the following:

• Practicing mindfulness and/or meditation

• Practicing self compassion

• Practicing gratitude

• Journaling or writing

• Drawing or sketching

• Coloring

• Painting

• Daily walks in your neighborhood to grab coffee or tea to get sunshine, movement, and social interaction

• Daily walks with your dog

• Yoga

• Stretching

• Qigong

• And more

RESOURCES

• Everything Is Awful and I'm Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up

• Lifestyle Medicine

• Health Benefits of Having a Routine

• The Importance of Creating Habits and Routine

• The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

• Making health habitual: the psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice

• SMART Goal Cheat-Sheet

• BIPOC Self Care

• The Nap Ministry - Rest As Resistance

• Pico Iyer - The Urgency of Slowing Down

• Our True Home - Thich Nhat Hang

Part of what therapy effective is the repetition of skills/tools learned and practiced in and outside of session (mostly outside of session).

Malcom Gladwell coined the “10,000-hour rule,” asserting that the key to achieving true expertise in any skill is simply a matter of practicing, albeit in the correct way, for at least 10 000 hours.

He also states: “Practice isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good.”

Though I don’t believe you have to practice the skills and work above (#s 1-12), the more you practice, the more you’ll learn.

Sample scenarios of doing the work and practicing might include:

• Creating a wellness plan for yourself that includes things that helps you manage overwhelm

• Having someone keep you accountable

• Holding yourself accountable

• Being honest with yourself

• Slowly confronting your fears gradually instead of avoiding them

• Doing something that is uncomfortable for you and seeing what the outcome is. Work slowly. On a self-rated scale, don’t go to a 10. Start at a 3, 4, or 5.

• Identifying your personal boundaries (what you like, dislike, discomfort, comfort)

• Asserting your personal boundaries to others when they breach/cross them

• Asserting your personal boundaries to others before an event/experience/situation

• Learning to tolerate uncertainty, the future, and ambiguity with more ease

• Learning to be okay with nerves and anxiety as you begin dating someone new

• Identifying your feelings when calm and feeling safe

• Identifying your sensations when calm and feeling safe

• Identifying your feelings when overwhelmed and anxious

• Identifying your sensations when overwhelmed and anxious

• Learning to be more okay with disagreements and conflicts without shame spiraling

• Learning to ask for what you want and need without feeling overly guilty

• And more

By practicing and putting knowledge into action, you’ll learn:

• What works for you (successes, growth, positive changes)

• What doesn’t work for you (failures, disagreements, conflicts, ruptures, mistakes)

• What you’re good at

• What you’re not good at, but can get better at/learn more of

• How to be your own good enough parent/caregiver and/or best friend so you’ll be able to self manage and rely less on external validation/factors/etc.

• And more

Read more here.

RESOURCES

Articles

• Between Therapy Sessions: When You Can’t Seem to Do the Work

Forums

• Has anybody moved from anxious attachment to secure?

• For anyone FA - how long did it take you to get to secure? And what did you do/work on to get there?

• Has anyone moved to a secure attachment without therapy?

• Would it be possible to 'heal' or move to a more secure attachment style without therapy?

• How did you overcome your anxious attachment? How to show up for myself?

REFERENCES

• Wong NC. The 10 000-hour rule. Can Urol Assoc J. 2015 Sep-Oct;9(9-10):299. doi: 10.5489/cuaj.3267. PMID: 26644801; PMCID: PMC4662388.

Relapse

1. The act or an instance of backsliding, worsening, or subsiding

2. A recurrence of symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement

—

Relapse, though often seen as a setback, is a common part of the healing process.

It is crucial to understand that healing is not linear, and setbacks are natural occurrences.

You may sabotage relationships, act out when overwhelmed, push people away, isolate and withdraw, utilize maladaptive skills/tools to manage overwhelm like substance use, self harm, over working, over functioning, over eating, restricting food, etc

Relapse provides an opportunity for reflection, learning, and readjustment.

A helpful way to think about and work with relapse is:

• Relapse is normal and part of the process

• Relapse teaches us important tidbits about ourselves

• Having a plan in place when you relapse and regress is key

• Having a support system is also key

• Having a check in partner(s) from time to time is important

• Approaching relapse with self-compassion is important

RESOURCES

• WRAP Plan

• Relapse Prevention Plan

• Co-Dependents Anonymous

• Workaholics Anonymous

• Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

RESOURCES

• Is it normal to 'relapse' into old AT reactions?

• Am so confused. Was I dating an avoidant? Despite being secure myself I feel like I've relapsed.

• Went on a date, almost relapsed into anxious thinking

• Relapsing in Codependency

• Relapse?

EFERENCES

• "relapse" Merriam-Webster.com. 2024. https://www.merriam-webster.com (8 May 2024)