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The Effects of a Parentified Child

Canh Tran

What is Parentification?

  • Parentification occurs when a child is forced to assume parental roles and responsibilities at an early age (role reversal).

  • This can occur when a parent is absent, emotionally unavailable, or struggling with their own mental health and/or substance use issues.

  • The child may be required to take care of themselves, take care of younger siblings, manage household tasks, and/or provide emotional support to their parents.

  • As a result, the child's normal development may be disrupted, and they may experience a loss of childhood, as they are prematurely burdened with adult responsibilities.

Effects of Parentification

  • Parentification can have significant consequences on a child's well-being and development.

  • The child may experience heightened stress levels, emotional exhaustion, and a sense of overwhelming responsibility.

  • They may struggle with issues related to boundaries, identity formation, and building healthy relationships outside the family.

  • Parentified children may also face challenges in developing a healthy sense of self and may carry these patterns into their adult lives, impacting their relationships and overall well-being.

What is Enmeshment?

  • Enmeshment refers to a lack of healthy emotional boundaries within a family system.

  • In enmeshed families, individual identities and boundaries become blurred, resulting in an unhealthy level of emotional fusion.

  • Family members may have a difficult time distinguishing their own thoughts, emotions, and needs from those of others.

  • Personal boundaries are not respected, and family members may become overly involved in each other's lives, opinions, and decisions.

Effects of Enmeshment

  • Enmeshment can have detrimental effects on individuals and their relationships.

  • While it may initially appear to foster closeness, enmeshment often leads to codependency and a lack of autonomy.

  • Family members may struggle with developing a sense of self, as their identity becomes entangled with others.

  • This can hinder healthy emotional growth and independence.

  • Enmeshment can also lead to difficulties in establishing healthy relationships outside the family, as individuals may struggle to set appropriate boundaries and maintain a sense of individuality.

Effects of Parentification #1 - Mental Health Issues

  • You struggle with depression and anxiety.

  • Sometimes, you find it hard to get out of bed and motivate yourself to do basic daily activities because you are exhausted. The exhaustion is a deep seated embodied feeling all the way down to your bones which ache.

  • Other times, you may find it hard to stop thinking about the future. Perhaps you ruminate over and over causing you to feel stressed, overwhelmed, and panicked.

  • You wish you could manage your feelings better, but you’re unsure how because you don’t know where to start.

Effects of Parentification #2 - Low Self Esteem

  • You didn’t have the opportunity to create a sense of Self growing up because you were too busy taking care of your parents.

  • Instead of exploring and experimenting, you solved, fixed, problem solved, and anticipated issues as they arise.

  • Everyone came to you for help, answers, and to fix/solve issues.

  • While this has made you feel needed and wanted through short-term validation, you resent the fact that you haven’t had the opportunity to create a sense of Self outside of providing or producing things for others.

Effects of Parentification #3 - Poor Boundaries & Enmeshment

  • There was very little boundaries, if any at all, growing up.

  • Enmeshment is a relationship where boundaries are blurred and not defined. This can translate as codependency.

  • An example of an enmeshed relationship is where you give up/forfeit your own desires/needs/wants in order to give into another person’s desires/needs/wants.

  • Or perhaps you feel it’s your responsibility to take care of others, even when they don’t ask you to (you may assume or mind read because this is a role you’ve done historically in your life and it has been rewarded).

Effects of Parentification #4 - Loneliness & Indignation

  • You’ve sustained a terrifying and excruciating experience of trauma and neglect.

  • When you look around at your peers and colleagues, you feel lonely as if no one quite understands you and your complex experiences.

  • Other times, you feel outraged and indignant (“it’s not fair”) that you went through so much pain, while others did not.

Effects of Parentification #5 - Dissociation

  • You’ve learned to disconnect from painful feelings through dissociation. Human beings are hard wired to avoid pain and dissociation is one strategy/tactic to do so.

  • Derealization

    • Characterizes an altered perception of the external world. Individuals with derealization may feel that their surroundings appear unreal, distorted, dreamlike, or lacking in significance.

    • Some people describe this like being in a dream.

    • This can lead to a profound sense of detachment from the environment, as if the world has become artificial or foggy.

    • What’s real?

    • What’s not real? How do I know what’s real or not?

  • Depersonalization

    • Characterized by a persistent and distressing feeling of being detached or disconnected from one's own thoughts, emotions, body, or actions.

    • Some people describe this like being like a robot and not a human being. Operating and doing things automatically without access to a rich internal world (emotions, feelings, sensations).

    • Individuals experiencing depersonalization often describe feeling like an outside observer of their own life, as if they are watching themselves from a distance or existing in a dreamlike state.

    • Is this my life?

    • Am I watching a movie of someone else?

    • Is this someone else’s story in a book?

  • Peritraumatic Dissociation

Effects of Parentification #6 - Difficulty Asking For Help and Hyper Independence

  • One of the ways you’ve learned to survive is through hyper independence or self reliance. You learned to rely solely on yourself and suppress your own emotional needs in order to meet the demands placed upon you.

  • This can lead to an exaggerated sense of responsibility and a reluctance to seek help or support from others, as you’ve learned to navigate life independently from an early age.

  • This could be the result of the fact that you had no option growing up. Extreme self reliance and hyper independence was the norm and expectation.

  • Furthermore, hyper independence can impact your ability to form healthy relationships. The self-reliance they developed as a coping mechanism may make it challenging for you to trust others, ask for help, or rely on a support system.

  • This can result in difficulties with vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and the formation of secure attachments.

  • Common things you may have said or continue to say:

    • I can take care of it myself.

    • Don’t worry. I can do it.

    • I have it together. I got it.

    • Oh, I don’t need help. Thank you though.

Effects of Parentification #7 - Trauma Repetition

  • Trauma repetition is unconscious meaning we are not aware we are engaging in such behavior. It’s automatic and instinctual.

  • The connection between trauma repetition and parentification lies in the internalized beliefs and patterns formed during childhood. Children who have experienced parentification may develop a subconscious belief that they are only valuable when they are taking care of others.

  • As a result, they may seek out relationships or situations where they can continue to replicate the dynamics of their past, perpetuating the cycle of trauma repetition.

  • Furthermore, individuals who have been parentified may struggle with setting boundaries and recognizing their own needs and desires. This can lead to a pattern of attracting relationships where they are once again required to assume a care giving role, perpetuating the cycle of trauma repetition and reinforcing the belief system formed in childhood.

  • Examples of trauma repetition can include:

    • Seeking out people who remind you of your parents (a familiar feeling)

    • Seeking out people who you fantasize/wish/desire a different outcome with in order to correct/fix/solve the past (rescue fantasy)

    • Seeking out people who you can take care of (to repeat your family role into present day role)

    • Rejecting people who paradoxically embody what you desire (assertive communication, healthy boundaries, secure attachment) because it is new, different, foreign, uncomfortable, and scary

Effects of Parentification #8 - Exhaustion & Fatigue

  • It is physically and emotionally exhausting to endure parentification.

  • Emotional exhaustion is a state of profound weariness that results from prolonged and intense emotional strain. It occurs when individuals are continuously drained of their emotional resources, leaving them depleted and overwhelmed.

  • Parentification places a huge burden on the child, as they are compelled to meet the emotional needs of others while neglecting their own. This constant caregiving role often leaves little room for the child to express their own emotions, process their experiences, or seek support from others.

  • Suppressed Emotions

    • Parentified children often learn to suppress their own emotions to prioritize the needs of others. This suppression can lead to emotional buildup and a lack of emotional outlets, contributing to emotional exhaustion.

  • Overwhelming Responsibilities

    • Taking on adult responsibilities at a young age can be physically and emotionally taxing. Juggling multiple roles, managing household tasks, and attending to the needs of others can leave individuals feeling mentally and physically drained.

  • Lack of Support

    • Parentified children typically lack the support and guidance they need to navigate their own emotions and seek help. They may feel isolated, unable to confide in others or ask for support, further intensifying emotional exhaustion.

  • Role Reversal

    • The reversal of roles within the family dynamic places a significant emotional strain on the child. They are forced to become the caregiver, assuming a level of responsibility that is developmentally inappropriate. This constant pressure can lead to chronic stress and emotional fatigue.

  • Common phrases you may have heard growing up

    • You’re so mature for your age

    • You are so wise for your age

    • You are very responsible

Effects of Parentification #9 - Difficulty In Relationships

  • Parentification can have significant effects on an individual's ability to form and maintain healthy relationships in adulthood.

  • Some ways in which parentification affects relationships:

  • Boundary Difficulties

    • You often struggle with establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries in relationships.

    • You may have difficulty distinguishing between their own needs and those of others, leading to blurred boundaries and a lack of personal space.

  • Caretaking Patterns

    • Having assumed a caretaking role during childhood, you may be more prone to adopting caretaking patterns in their relationships as adults.

    • You may feel an inherent need to prioritize the needs of their partners, neglecting their own well-being in the process.

  • People Pleasing

    • "Relying on the excellent care they can extend to others and being deeply unsure of their own worth, parentified adults form relationships based on how valuable they can be to others. This allows them familiar feelings of being good and worthy, from which they can operate in the world around them.”

    • “This can look like people-pleasing or being the agony aunt or overextending one’s own resources to help others. On the other hand, they struggle to receive support in return. They wonder – how much can I ask for? Will I be considered needy or dramatic? They struggle to claim space in the lives of others, uncertain if the person will stay should they have an ask of their own."

    • From: https://aeon.co/essays/how-can-adults-undo-the-harm-of-being-parentified-as-children

  • Trust and Intimacy Issues

    • Parentification can erode trust in relationships. Since you’ve been exposed to situations where you must constantly support others, your own emotional needs often go unmet.

    • As a result, you may struggle with trusting others and opening up emotionally, fearing that your own needs will be neglected or invalidated.

  • Fear of Vulnerability

    • You’ve learned to suppress your own emotions and put on a facade of strength and self-sufficiency.

    • This can create a fear of vulnerability in relationships, as you associate emotional openness with potential harm or being overwhelmed by others' needs.

  • Self-Identity Challenges

    • Parentification often robs children of their own sense of identity and autonomy.

    • As an adult now, you may struggle with understanding your own desires, needs, and boundaries, making it difficult to establish a strong sense of self within relationships.

    • Who am I? Who am I before my trauma? Who am I because of my trauma? Who am I really then?

    • What is part of my personality? What is part of my temperatemnet? What is a result of my trauma? How do I make sense of everything?

    • Now that I know what I know, how do I integrate everything into a whole, cohesive identity?

    • Why do I feel broken? Why do I feel bad? Why do I feel inadequate?

    • Is it possible to feel calm? Why are other people are more able to feel more at ease and confident?

What Can I Do To Heal as a Survivor of Parentification?

  • Learn about attachment styles and which ones you most align with

  • Learn what your triggers are

  • Learn how to manage your triggers

  • Learn how to avoid your triggers and/or decrease the intensity and/or frequency as much as possible

  • Learn how to take good care of yourself (sleep, nutrition, exercise/movement, decrease stress, self care, community care, ask for help, seek professional help)

  • Learn healthy boundaries

  • Practice healthy boundaries

  • Learn to ask for what you need and want

  • Ask for help

  • Accept help

  • Learn to switch roles where you are taken care of without having to take care of others

  • Learn to manage overwhelming feelings and thoughts

  • Sit with discomfort

  • Increase trust in yourself and others

  • Understand core beliefs from childhood

  • Take up and make up space for yourself

  • Have a daily practice

  • Reparent yourself

  • Practice self compassion

  • Practice patience

How Do I Overcome Growing Up In A Dysfunctional Family?

Resources on Parentification