Mistrust

• Epistemic Trust

  • Epistemic trust describes the willingness to accept new information from another person as trustworthy, generalizable, and relevant.

  • It has been recently proposed that a pervasive failure to establish epistemic trust may underpin personality disorders.

  • From: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7451362/#:~:text=Epistemic%20trust%20(ET)%20describes%20the,trust%20may%20underpin%20personality%20disorders.

• Difficulty trusting your partner

• Difficulty trusting yourself

• Examples of how mistrust can show up in romantic relationships

  • Mind reading and assuming

  • Projection

  • Issues with assertive boundaries

  • Issues with healthy communication

  • Anxious attachment

  • Anxiety

  • Panic and worry

  • Fear of rejection

  • Fear of abandonment

  • And more

• Common statements

  • I feel like my partner is going to cheat on me

  • I have this sense you’re going to break up with me

  • Why are you with me?

  • Are you angry at me? I feel like you’re angry at me

  • And more

Detachment and/or Avoidance of Intimacy

• Emotional detachment and/or avoiding intimacy (sex, touch, vulnerability, etc.) are common ways childhood trauma and neglect show up in romantic relationships

• Examples of how lack of intimacy can show up in romantic relationships

  • Aversion to physical touch

  • Aversion to sex

  • Aversion to emotions

  • Aversion to vulnerability, sharing, and opening up emotionally

  • Disconnection from your body, feelings, and sensations

  • Wanting intimacy, but unsure of how to ask for it

  • Wanting intimacy, but fearing it or being repulsed

  • When a relationship deepens and gets more serious, wanting to avoid/go away/withdraw/becoming aloof/etc.

  • Lack of serious conversations

  • Laughing at painful experiences and situations

  • Difficulty holding space for yourself and/or your partner’s emotional experience

  • Wanting to fix/solve/do something rather than staying in the moment/still/silence/etc.

  • And more

• Common statements

  • I feel like I’m floating out of my body

  • My life doesn’t feel like my life. It’s like watching a movie on a screen

  • I feel so uncomfortable with you being close to me

  • I feel uncomfortable when you share your feelings with me. I’m not sure what to do or how to respond

  • I want to fix or make things better when you’re in distressed

  • It’s hard for me to just listen to you when you are overwhelmed emotionally because I have this urge to make it go away and help you feel better

  • And more

Disconnected & Fragmented Identity

• Identity refers to how we see ourselves

• Examples of how a disconnected or fragmented identity can show up in romantic relationships

  • Not knowing who you really are behind the masks you portray

  • Pushing down your natural emotions and feelings

  • Being a chameleon and adapting your personality with different people

  • Feeling empty

  • Rigid boundaries (wanting 100% structure, control)

  • Porous boundaries (enmeshment, codependency, people pleasing, fawning)

  • Seeing yourself in one dimensional, linear, and limited way

  • Talking to yourself in an unhelpful, negative manner

  • Shame (“I am bad”)

  • Self blame

  • Feeling alone in your experience and like nobody gets you or understands you

  • Trauma fixation

  • Learned helplessness

  • Giving up quickly when you’re not good at something

  • Trauma repetition or repetition compulsion (unconsciously re-enacting your trauma in order to master/fix/solve the initial traumatic event(s)).

  • And more

• Common statements

  • I don’t really know how to relax

  • I don’t really know who I am

  • I don’t really know what I like to do

  • I don’t really have hobbies

  • I’ve always done things because I had to do them, not because they were fun or leisure activities

  • I’m really good at my job

  • I’m good at taking care of others and anticipating their needs

  • I don’t really know what I feel or sense inside

  • I feel disconnected from myself often

  • I feel like my life isn’t real and it’s a movie

  • And more

Low Self Esteem

• Low self esteem

• Examples of how low self esteem can show up in romantic relationships

  • Difficulty with conflcit, tension, and disagreements

  • Taking things personal to an extreme

  • Fear of abandonment and relationship ending

  • Confirmation bias

  • Seeking consistent validation from others

  • Needing consistent reassurance your partner isn’t angry or frustrated at you

  • And more

• Common statements

  • I don’t know what to do when someone gives me compliments

  • I feel uncomfortable when people look at me and the attention is all on me

  • I don’t feel like I deserve X

  • When there’s a disagreement or conflict, I feel like a bad person and it was my fault

  • I fear people will leave me

  • And more

Fear & Safety

• Lack of safety, terror, and fear are common reactions to traumatic events

• This fear shows up not just in our mind/brain, but in our body

• Cultivating a deeper sense of safety inside of our mind/brain and body is one of the goals of trauma therapy

• Examples include:

  • Fear of close relationships, especially as trust is beginning to develop

  • Fear of abandonment

  • Fear of people

  • Fear of social situations and crowds

  • Fear of new situations and experiences

  • Fear of going outside of your house

  • Fear of emotional rejection

  • Fear of physical rejection

  • Fear of opening up to others emotionally

  • Fear of being abused/hit/thrown something

  • Fear of being yelled at/screamed at/blamed/shamed

  • And more

• Common statements when someone is still stuck from traumatic experiences:

1. “The world is very dangerous everywhere”

2. “People will always try to harm me”

3. “There is nowhere safe to be”

4. “I will never be hurt by others”

5. “Others are out to harm me and most people will hurt me if they can”

6. “I cannot protect myself”

7. “I can protect myself from any harm”

8. “It can’t happen to me”

• Common statements when traumatic experiences are processed and actively worked on:

1. “There are some people out there who are dangerous, but not everyone is out to harm me in some way”

2. “There may be some people who will try to harm me, but not everyone I meet will hurt me. I can take precautions to reduce the likelihood that others can hurt me”